A Drinker's Guide to San Francisco

Since the notoriously belligerent days of the Barbary Coast saloons, San Francisco continues to boast a series of intoxicatingly fun drink venues. From dive bars in the Mission, to night clubs in the Marina, it seems San Francisco has some drunk love for just about anyone. But before embarking on a night of slurred conversations and pitiable arrhythmic grinding, one must break down the many idiosyncratic stereotypes that define the numerous neighborhoods (and their bars) of this fine city.

Thirsty Thursday is the kick start to a nauseatingly sloppy weekend. Careful pickings led me to explore the Geary bar strip located in the Inner Richmond where an abundance of underage university students gather in overdressed attire to display their best assets while sipping on reasonably priced cocktails. Ireland’s 32 is the first stop for the mob of binge drinking adolescents. Ladies cram the upstairs bathroom while their male counterparts can barely be heard ordering pints over the Top 40 insufferable songs playing loudly down below.

“Oh my god, this is my song!” exclaims a girl who seems just as bubbly as her Hefeweizen.  She pushes her way to the DJ set before climbing onto a table where she struggles to dance in platform heels.

Down the street, Forever21 mini dresses adorn the dance floor at Abbey Tavern, a sports bar. Undercover cops blend into the dimly lit establishment that manages to cram dozens of sweaty bodies. Meanwhile, sloppy bros slosh around pitchers of beer that threaten to drench your clothes and laminate the floor’s already sticky surface. Fortunately, many of the youngsters seem to narrowly miss the modest gem that is Fizzy’s, located in the midst of the college bar minefield. Here, you can enjoy a no-nonsense bar staff, a miniscule arcade, and a game of pool.

If you’ve survived Thursday night’s disaster, I might then suggest a low key Friday evening in the hipster haven that is the Mission where my weekend bar crawl took me next.

The stink of bacon wrapped hot dogs and human urine permeates throughout the block. Drooping bodies prop themselves up against a graffiti infested pink wall while disintegrating cigarettes camouflage against the grey sidewalk. Regardless of the minimal breathing space, Beauty Bar on 19^th and Mission seems to always attract a cult following. Regulars crowd the bar where a bartender dressed in pirate’s attire will fetch you cheap shots and PBR. Girls in Levi cut offs and Doc Martins take turns huffing bumps off a set of keys while a dancer in vintage mod clothing takes center stage on the dance floor.

Just two doors down you can enjoy the best late night tater tots in town. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem is happy to serve the messiest of Buffalo wings, sliders, and seasoned tots alongside your whiskey and coke. A few blocks over on 16^th you can stumble into obscure live music and a serious game of pinball at Elbo Room, an overpopulated venue where Canadian tuxedos go to die. And while you’re still in the neighborhood, be sure to stop by Delirium on Albion Street where, legend has it, the owner is known to invite guests to party after hours in a hidden room.

            Don’t be afraid to pile on the onions and condiments, at least one trip to the nearest hot dog stand is crucial to a successful Friday night bar crawl in the Mission. Besides, you might need the fuel to carry you over to Saturday evening in the Marina.

            If you didn’t get enough of Greek life in college, look no further than Fillmore Street in the Marina for the sorority infestation of your nightmares. This is your chance to shamelessly consume your own weight in overpriced alcoholic beverages until you deem every face in the club attractive. Matrix Lounge is your place to see and be seen, and to weasel your way into some rich kid’s bottle service. Middle aged to old men crowd the bar, ladies dressed head to toe in BCBG compete for the dance floor, and wealthy foreigners monopolize the seating. Social hierarchy at its finest.

            Leave your dignity at the door before you step into KT’s across the street, where thirty something year olds relive their college years in the most obscene manner imaginable. Outdated dance moves and impromptu public displays of affection transform the dance floor into a cirque du sloppy. Be sure to stop by the women’s bathroom for some age old drama, shaky lines of cocaine, and body critiques in front of a full length mirror. If you’re aiming for a complete social misfire, you know where to go.

Admittedly so, I have experienced my fair share of a good time at each of these drink venues. Regardless of your neighborhood preferences and prejudices, there is nothing like a little liquid courage to bond the two ends of this city.